What Your Children Want You to Know
Published February 13th, 2008
The idea for this post came up over a series of conversations between us and some of our closest friends. We’re all in our early 30s now, and have been out on our own for at least 10 years. As we moved well into adulthood, and faced some of life’s challenges, we realized that we were well equipped to deal with some things, and had no clue whatsoever about others.
I’m sure that everyone has had that moment of alarm when you get annoyed and do something just like your mom, or dad, and you gasp in horror since you said you’d never be like them. As you get older, you realize just how much of a product of your childhood and family values that you are. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We learn a lot from our parents–what things to do, and what things we never want to do. As adults we have the ability to look back on our past with a greater understanding.
I genuinely think that many parents do the best they can with the skills and resources they have to work with. I’m not a parent, but I know that at times it must be a more impossible and frightening job than you ever imagined when you signed up for it.
Invariably, despite our best intentions, every single one of us makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. I think it’s what we do with our mistakes and our imperfections that counts.
This article is written out of love. The things I mention here are what we as adult children, in general, want to keep in our consciousness as we raise the next generation. I think that anyone who has a child would like them to be able to hold on to the innocence and enjoyment of childhood for just a little bit longer. When things happen to alter that innocence, you want to be there for your children so they aren’t scared, or confused, or have to turn elsewhere to find answers to some if life’s tough questions.
I write the rest of this article from the point of view of children of all ages. Much research went into this article, each of these points were given careful consideration, and what made it into the article were re-occuring themes that came up in discussion with many adult children looking back retrospectively on their lives. These are some of the things that your children want you to know–even if they aren’t aware of it yet:
Even if you don’t agree with us, we still need to feel accepted
Teenage years can be hard, we try different things as we figure out who we are and want to be. Even though you don’t agree with our opinions, or what we wear, still make us feel like we are just as important as we were before. No matter how old we are, we need to know that you love us–even if we are different than you pictured we would be. Don’t shut us out, or put a wall up because it’s not what you would do, it only isolates us emotionally at a very difficult time in our lives. Unfortunately, sometimes we end up going elsewhere to find acceptance–and those people don’t usually care about what is in our best interests.
No matter how angry you get, don’t give us the silent treatment
We might get angry, but we are still children, we need your guidance, love, and we need you to be open to us. Refusing to speak to or acknowledge us may be something that an adult might handle, but never a child. No matter how old we get, we are always your child, and we need you–so don’t freeze us out to teach us a lesson or make yourself feel better. Knowing that you are always there and approachable and open to communicate is the kind of security that we need.
Be there for us. Period.
We would trade all of the money and things in the world for you to be there, and for us to feel like you care. Even if it means you earn less money, or find other ways to earn, just be a constant presence, and know that we can rely on you–no matter what. One time of day that us young people get into real trouble is between the hours of 3:30 and 6pm, when parents are working those extra hours and we have free reign to do whatever we want with no guidance. Eating meals together, even though we don’t always say a lot, as teenagers makes us feel like you care; and that it is one constant we can always count on.
Make sure that we can always have someone to talk to
Even if it’s not you for those really tough things, even if its an aunt, uncle, or godparent, please designate someone in addition to yourself that you trust that we can go to. There are just some things that as teenagers (or younger) we are too scared to tell you because we are afraid of rejection or disappointing you. Doing this will always make sure that we get advice from someone who knows and cares about our best interests.
When parents fight, it hurts us–no matter how old we are
As children, we are the product of both parents, and when you do and say bad things to each other, and specially when we are in the middle, it brings upon impossible feelings. When one parent insults the other, they are also insulting the DNA of that child, and asking a child to decide between two people they love so much for different reason does bad, bad, things to us. Everybody hits bumps in the road, some bigger than others, but be very, very careful about how you deal with things in front of us. Kids should never be involved in adult fights–because we somehow grow up feeling responsible, like we might be able to fix something we never can. The feelings of helplessness and never being good enough are enough to destroy our self-worth for a lifetime.
Don’t play favourites
Maybe this sounds obvious, but be conscious of this, and just don’t do it. Sometimes you might think that it’s one way to encourage the other child to do better, or be like everyone else, or it’s a way of making yourself feel better. You might even do it because you think its easier and at least you are making headway with one child. All favouritism does is hurt. As children grow up, its never really about the stuff we are missing out on, it’s the humiliation of everybody pretending nothing’s going on, and condoning the behaviour with their silence. Don’t make us feel like we are only worth second or third best treatment–it is a very damaging message that we will go on to believe in the rest of our adult relationships.
Deal with the issues from your own childhood
No matter how nice your parents were to you, they made some mistakes–we all do. If you don’t deal with what is bothering you, or get help to try to deal with bad behaviours or habits, you will almost certainly pass them on to your children. By the time anybody realizes this, some of the damage may be done, and we as children will be left to pick up the pieces throughout the rest of our own lives. We all have the power to become better people, and make huge changes and improvements in our life–we can lead by example.
It’s never too late to apologize or for forgiveness
The human spirit is amazing. We all have the capacity to forgive and to make amends for mistakes that we have made. There is so much power in acknowledging that we have a problem, or that we have made a mistake, and then trying to make it right. No matter how old, we as children will value a heartfelt apology from you. No matter how much time has passed, old wounds can still hurt–but as a parent you have always the capacity to show humility, compassion, and kindness–and you can forever help to make things better for us.
To children of all ages, everywhere, I hope that this article has done you justice.
