How I Deal With Difficult People

Published August 30th, 2008

Over the course of our lives, we will deal with many, many, difficult people. They can be family members, co-workers, bosses, perfect strangers–even friends. When things often go badly, you will hear an empathetic person say “you can’t please everyone”, this is very true, but while the rational part of us knows this, the emotional part of us often has a hard time accepting it. Especially when we are younger, we want everyone to like us, and innately want to please others; part of our growth as adults is realizing this isn’t possible all of the time and learning to be okay with it–some of us will get to this place much quicker than others.

I’m by no means an expert in the realm of human behaviour, I will share with you though, a process that has helped me to successfully deal with difficult people in my life. It has, and always will be a challenge, and often an ongoing process if the difficult person remains a part of your life.

Try to figure out why they do it

By this, I don’t mean that we should become experts in psychology, I mean to take a step back, observe the person, and also pay close attention to how the person in question treats other people around them. Are they happy in their personal life? What was their childhood like? Do they treat everyone else at work in a certain way, or just certain people? How to they treat you compared to other members of the family? Often, people who treat everyone badly, or consistently pick on one person are not really happy themselves–if they were–they probably wouldn’t have the need to put someone else down to make themselves feel better.

The point here isn’t that you might necessarily try to find an answer that a trained professional might even have difficulty finding, it’s that some detailed observation can go a long way to improving your situation. You can learn a lot about that person, and knowledge is power.

Accept that others will not change

Now that you’ve learned some things about why the negative person might not be very kind, the hard part begins. Looking at some of the reasons why they may act the way they do, you may realize that it doesn’t often have anything to do with you specifically–even though it’s being taken out on you. They may target you, or continue to pick on you because: a) it makes them feel better about themselves, b) allows them to stay in control, or even c) because they know they’ll get a reaction out of you.

The cold, hard, truth is that other people don’t spend nearly as much time thinking about us and what we’ve done, as we spend worrying and obsessing about them. Personally, I believe in the Law of Attraction–that what you focus on expands. It takes the idea of “just have a positive attitude” to the next level: You do have to do some hard work, focus on what you want, you will go through a period of adjustment or discomfort, and then you will truly be open to what it is you want. This is a very simplistic view of it, but the flip side is that focusing all of your energy on the negative things in your life will only perpetuate the cycle of negativity. Doing so will not leave space for as many positive things to come your way. I talk more about this in Positive Thinking In Action.

You are the only person in the universe who is responsible for your thoughts, actions, and feelings. Nobody else has the power to own these things. By the same token, you cannot change someone else’s views by your will alone. They will only truly change if they want to. The only person whose attitude and actions you can change, are your own. Period. When you truly accept this, it will be freeing. It’s not an easy place to get to, since we often don’t want to give up hope that things will get better. Things can improve if we make a plan to change what we do have control over. Invariably, if one of the two people (you) changes what they are doing, it is going to change the dynamic of the relationship.

Come up with a plan to deal with them

Now that you’ve got an idea of why they might act the way they do, and you’ve accepted that your situation will only improve if you change what you have control over, you’ll need to come up with a plan. The plan is going to be individual depending on your situation, but here are a few tools that have worked for me, and people close to me, in different situations.

1) Practice using non-defensive responses

When someone attacks us verbally, especially when it’s over something unreasonable, our inclination is to defend or justify ourselves. Getting defensive will often just give the other person more fuel. Using non-defensive responses allows you to respond to what the other person says without giving in and agreeing with them, but also diffusing the situation. Instead of just reacting, the goal can be to ask questions, think about what they are saying, and then respond.

One way of responding to criticism non-defensively can be to ask questions to get more information. Say your employer tells you you’ve done something incorrectly, depending on the situation you could say ”What would you suggest I do next time?”, “Can you please clarify where the problem is?”, “Can you please show me how to do it correctly then?” Responding to an attack with questions will make you seem more professional, will allow you to have more information to decide how to respond, and will diffuse an attack. It may also help you to understand what they might be thinking, or throw them off balance if they didn’t have a good reason for the criticism in the first place.

One other way to respond is to make a statement with your position rather that arguing. For example, if someone criticizes the way you discipline your child in the grocery store (a common complaint) you can say “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “You are entitled to your opinion, but I don’t agree”. You could also say “I am not willing to discuss that”. The response really depends on the situation, but the idea is that you’ve responded, but haven’t conceded to their view, and have reflected their judgement back on them. It takes a lot of practice to not be defensive, but it can really help to stop a verbal attack. Afterall, it takes two people to fight.

2) Show no fear

Bullies pick on people they feel are weaker than they are. The odd thing is that on the inside they often really aren’t very confident themselves. Abusers often keep testing the waters just to see how much they can get away with, and then keep escalating what they do. Of course you need to be safe, and never respond in a way that will put yourself in any physical danger.

Even if you are scared on the inside, it’s important to summon up your courage and be confident around the difficult person. We aren’t much different from our animal counterparts in that much of the communication we do is actually non-verbal. Things like standing up straight when you’re around them, and looking them directly in the eyes when talking to them may help to keep things from getting worse. Always be polite and civil, but try your best to be decisive and confident in from of them. This may involve spending a bit of time doing your homework and being prepared for what might come up, this can be especially helpful in a workplace setting.

3) Put physical distance between you

This may sound extreme, but it comes down to your happiness, well-being, and changing the things you do have control over. While it’s never a good idea to make rash decisions, you can make career plans to get promoted, switch departments, or even switch companies depending on how unhappy they’re making you, or if they’re impeding your work performance or ability to move up.

With respect to family members, putting actual distance between themselves and the difficult person has actually worked well for many people I know. Sometimes absence does in fact make the heart grow fonder, and sometimes absence also allows you to live a normal life most of the year without the very real fear of a negative person invading the sanctity of your home and personal space. Moving away from damaging or difficult family members has saved many a relationship–not just because these family members were always physically there, but that a family or couple were robbed of many happy times because they were focusing on all of the negative things this person has done or might do next.

Hopefully this post has given you some food for thought. I’m certainly no expert, these are just techniques that have worked for me and people I know. Everybody’s situation is different, and life can be unfairly short, so do what’s right for you, and don’t be afraid to reach out and use your support system. Sometimes, just getting a different perspective on the situation from someone you trust can shed a whole new light on things.

What strategies have you used to deal with difficult people in your life?

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